The day your world stops….again

elliott6Hello to anyone who still checks into this blog. It has been quite awhile since I have updated. Today I had a birthday party for my sweet Elliott, my second rainbow baby, the baby I fought so hard for and chronicled extensively here. He is six. SIX! How is that even possible?  My last rainbow baby, Andrew is a 3 year old bundle of constant energy and love, and my first rainbow baby, Ethan is a smart, sweet almost 9 year old…. always with a book in his hand.

I wish I was here just to say hi and update. But I’m here because my world has stopped…again. I have been unexpectedly launched back into this world of crazy that I know so well.

I found a lump in my breast. After a couple of weeks I went to the doctor. She felt it and said she wasn’t concerned but she “didn’t mess around with these things” so she sent me for a diagnostic mammogram. Then the lump got smaller. I have been exercising a lot since October and lost about 20 lbs at Orange Theory. I honestly thought that perhaps I had just developed a pec muscle! But I didn’t have it on the other side. I almost cancelled the mammogram, but since I’m turning 40 next year, I decided to go ahead with it. I’m not sure I’m “glad” that I did, but it is a good thing that I did.

I went in expecting NOTHING. I have no breast cancer in my family, no cancer in my family AT ALL. But they did the first images. And she checked with the radiologist, who asked for more…and more…of both sides. They kept asking if I had breast cancer in my family, if I had nipple discharge. No!!!! I don’t, I haven’t! I got a sick feeling in my stomach.

Finally I went back to meet with the radiologist…and then my world stopped. Just like it did every time I found out I was losing another baby. Two abnormal mammograms. Suspicious microcalcifications over both breasts. “Ductal Carcinoma In Situ” (DCIS) she says. I sat there stunned. My husband wasn’t there. I was just doing it “just in case.” They ushered me out the back entrance because I was quite literally about to bawl my eyes out. I ran to the car and lost it. WORLD STOPPED.

MAYBE BREAST CANCER. FUCKING CANCER. WHEN I AM LITERALLY IN THE BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK?

Sorry not sorry for the F bombs.

And so now I wait…oh the waiting. I swear I have PTSD from waiting. Waiting for betas, waiting for ultrasounds, and now waiting for my biopsy on 5/19 to find out if its malignant or benign. Waiting. Fucking waiting.

And then the research, the combing the internet to try to figure it all out…comparing my mammogram to images online. Trying to classify MY microcalcifications to what I see online, what are the ACTUAL CHANCES this will be cancer. The websites. The obsession. IT HAS ALL COME BACK WITH A VENGEANCE. And so now I am here. Again. Waiting. Obsessing.

There are some positive things here so I’ll tell you about them. DCIS is the earliest and most treatable form of breast cancer. It’s considered stage 0. It has a 98.7% survival rate. Treatment is NOT chemo, but either mastectomy or radiation. I’ll be honest, chemo scares the heck out of me. I would much rather chop those suckers off and get some new perky ones paid for my insurance. My breasts have done their job, I breastfed my 3 boys and I don’t need them anymore. I never loved them that much anyway. Mommy makeover? Yes please. (By no means am I making light of a mastectomy. I know it is a very tough choice and tough road….but I’m trying to be positive here.)

My biopsy is on Friday. Thankfully I have a busy week ahead. I earned a trip to Chicago for joining the President’s Club with my business. That is Tues-Thurs. So I will be busy. But today it is quiet. And my brain is running a million miles in circles. And so I wait. I have never forgotten all of you and still read your comments and I have to say I feel some pride in knowing that I helped some of you..whether it was peace of mind, encouragement, opening a discussion with your doctor that ultimately had a good result…or even if it didn’t, if it gave you some strength to FIGHT then that gives me pride.

So I’m trying to find that confidence and strength in me now. I’ll be honest I’m so damn scared it’s hard. I think once I have an answer…good or bad…then at least I can move forward with confidence. That was the most frustrating part about the recurrent chemical pregnancies was there WAS no solid solution.

But today I wait…so for you those of you who are waiting for something today…waiting to try, 2ww, waiting to test, waiting for betas, waiting for ultrasounds, waiting for baby. Know I am with you…as we wait. Together. And if you happen to have some “good news” thoughts to send my way, I’ll take them. I’ll send them right back to you.

Hugs ladies. Thanks for listening.

 

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One thought on “The day your world stops….again

  1. Ellie says:

    Oh my gosh I was just thinking about you! I got so much strength from this blog and just had my third baby AND then had a “probably ok but comes back in 6 months” mammogram last week. I kid you not. Will be waiting to hear your results. I feel the same way about mastectomy (and I didn’t even nurse much). Just get rid of those things if they’re causing issues. Keep us posted.

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