Awareness day….


As a younger woman you are told “be careful, don’t get pregnant!” So you try to be responsible and take birth control for so many years until you meet THE ONE. Then you get married, and you decide to wait a little while before starting your family and then it’s time….and it takes a little time and then you are pregnant! Your entire world rocks and shift…excitement, a tiny bit of fear, dreams for the future develop in days or weeks, and then you find out that no….it’s gone, justlikethat. All of it. Just…gone.

So you buck up and try again…and this one brings the most perfect baby boy ever into your arms!!! And you love him with every part of your being and then you want to have another, a sibling…and you get pregnant, and lose the baby, and get pregnant again, and lose that one too. And just when you think you can’t handle anything more, you get pregnant again and lose that one too. You break….you are broken into 10 million little pieces. But your 2 year old keeps you together, you keep that tiny iota of hope. You find the right doctor with the right solution after months and months of searching…and you find another perfect baby in your arms. A miracle, a true miracle.

And then you think, I have more love, I want one more, how hard could it be? And you get pregnant again so fast, and it lasts longer than the others but still it’s gone. You blame yourself for hoping you can be like all the rest….but you go back to your miracle worker doctor and 9 months later your 2nd miracle is in your arms. My 3 boys that I love more than I ever could have thought possible would NOT EXIST if I hadn’t lost 5 of their siblings. It’s this bizarre parallel universe where the worst thing ever results in the best thing ever.

I barely kept my sanity through all of this, but the little I kept was beause of my Strong Mommas….an unlikely group of women, across the country who all lost babies around the time I lost my baby before Ethan. 8 years later we are still going strong. So as we celebrate 8 years of friendship we also remember why we are together. And I share my story to let those of you who may be going through the same horrible rollercoaster that there WILL be a happy ending. Don’t give up, don’t stop fighting for what you want most. If your doctor isn’t helping you then find another! If you are here I know you are going through this and so my heart is with you.


4 thoughts on “Awareness day….

  1. Jillian Fleming says:


    I’ve been meaning to write to you for a long time now. It’s nearly 5am here in London and I’m writing this as I wait for my very own little miracle to wake up.

    I found your blog during 2014 when I began my search for the answer to my recurrent chemical pregnancies.

    We started trying for our second child in January 2014 and sure enough fell pregnant straight away. A week later it was all over. I was heartbroken but my doctor assured me it was just one of those things. Unfortunately I experienced further chemical pregnancies in April and July of that year. I saw several specialists over here and went through several invasive procedures which unfortunately yielded no answers or solutions.

    Around this time I discovered your blog and read all about Dr Lessey. Feeling I was getting nowhere with the specialists here I took a chance and emailed him. To my utter amazement he responded to my desperate plea for help and based on what I told him of my experience he suggested I try the femara hcg and progesterone protocol. The consultant I was dealing here completely dismissed this idea but luckily my fantastic gp agreed to provide the meds. Within the first month of trying I was pregnant and my son Cian was born in July!

    The loss of three pregnancies completely broke me and transformed me into a withdrawn and constantly unhappy person who felt as if I had let my son and partner down by failing to be able to produce another child.

    Finding this blog has literally saved me and I am so grateful to you for sharing your story. I’m convinced that if you hadn’t shared your story I would not have found Dr Lessey and Cian would not have been born. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU!


  2. Bitti says:

    Hi Dear,
    I stumbled across your blog while researching recurrent pregnancy loss online, and I am so glad I did. I an older woman, just reached 40, and TTCing for # 1 for about a year and a half.
    I had a MMC Nov 2014 (found at 9 weeks ultrasound, baby had stooped growing at about 7 weeks). My period returned to normal in about 5 weeks after, I have had three chemical pregnancies since then (all under or at 5wks), once of which I am going through as I write this message. two of the chem happened on medicated cycles (cycle # 1: clomid, cycle #2 femara, ovidrel shot and crinone 8%, and estrace), and the cycle in between was unmedicated and the period arrived on time after a +ve HPT test, and all the pregnancy symptoms. My obgyn referred me to an RE due to my age two years ago, when I expressed to her that I was trying to get pregnant. The clinic I go to is a baby-factory type of IVF clinic, where they make you go through a million tests and ultrasounds, and push everyone for IVF without listening to ones concerns and connecting one-on-one.
    Needless to say I am not happy with my current RE, and so far I havent been able to find another one in the area with good reviews and a true desire to help women conceive instead of looking at them as just a number. I would like to try your protocol, since I feel like it may work for me. My period have got lighter also, since the HSG test last year. can you refer me to the REs that worked with and like, who can do remote consult. I am located in MA.
    I am devastated by all this, and just want my sticky one.


  3. Janie says:

    I just stumbled on this blog today. I am going through my second chemical pregnancy in 2 months. I have a 15 month old daughter, and 3 months before I got pregnant with her, I lost a pregnancy (ectopic). Thanks for sharing your story, it sounds really familiar to what I’m feeling. Last month I was disappointed, but this month’s loss, while really no different, is devastating. It gives me hope that you had successful pregnancies after your losses. Though honestly, right now, maybe we’ll just be done.

  4. Anne says:

    Thank you. Just thank you. I also have a beautiful 2 year old boy and never dreamed I’d be sat here after three mc (all lost very early, though one wasn’t spotted until the 8 week scan) wondering if it’s not meant to be, if it just too much pain, if I should just cherish the baby I have and stop hoping for more. I don’t feel complete, but maybe I can in time. Your story gives me strength and I need all of that that I can get right now. So thank you again. Your miracles are beautiful xxx

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