Everyday miracles

Image

 

I’ve wanted to update here but I haven’t been sure if I should…I know the bitterness that comes with having one miscarriage or 5. I will never turn this blog into a mommy blog, but I feel like every story needs an ending and the part of my life that is focused on building my family…and all the pitfalls that I encountered while doing it, is done. My family is complete. There is a certain sadness in knowing that TODAY is the last day I will ever hold or snuggle my 3 month and 3 day old son…but for me there is an even bigger relief in knowing that I don’t have to go through the crazy worry and panic of being pregnant again. I get another IUD in next week. It will remain in place the full 5 years. My husband has decided that he will get a vasectomy next March. We are done. And I am content with that decision. They say you know, and I know.

I’m not sure what will happen with this blog at this point, but I would like to invite guest bloggers to contact me. If you would like to share your story, there is regular group of readers that will read your story and gain hope from it. When I started this blog 4+ years ago, it was simply a resource for me to keep track of my tests, thoughts, etc. I never realized so many people would read and comment! I will always respond to your comments. I’m still honored that so many women around the world have found this and found hope and ideas here. 

Every once in awhile I start back from the beginning and retrace my steps….starting from a desperation point after my fourth miscarriage, before my second son was born. Now I have 3 beautiful boys in my life (4 if you count my husband, and, he’s pretty darn cute too!) It’s been a crazy, terrifying, stressful, but ultimately rewarding ride. That’s my ultimate point and what this blog turned out to be in the end…for you, for me…HOPE. Don’t give up. I know how desperate you feel. I know the hopelessness that comes with each bad blood test, appointment, etc. But…when you go to the doctor and see that heartbeat…when you feel your baby move…when you finally hold that baby in your arms. It’s all worth it. Every. Single. Fucking. Tear. Pardon my language…but seriously. It’s worth it. DO NOT GIVE UP. 

Love, hope and hugs to each of you…..

Amy, Andrew, Ethan, Elliott and James

Image

 

Advertisements

47 thoughts on “Everyday miracles

  1. Christal says:

    I just wanted to thank you for this blog. I have had 2 chemical pregnancies ( no babies yet) and I could see so much of myself in you as I read your whole story. At a young 26- I’ve been told it’s all bad luck, but an RE met with me 2 weeks ago and has me beginning the long infertility road soon. I’m terrified of the HSG he prescribed, terrified of losing another pregnancy, terrified of never becoming a mother… but seeing your blog post with your 3 beautiful boys gives me a lot of hope. Thank you so much.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Christal,

      I’m so sorry for your losses. I understand your fear. I hope that your testing and treatment will bring you the baby you want so badly. Please keep us posted!

      A

  2. Selina says:

    Well done and congratulations! You are inspirational. You are helping me and I am learning from you. I have hope. X

  3. Avril Jones says:

    What a beautiful family you have. Still on my quest to complete my family and this give me hope. After so many miscarraiges one begins to lose faith but here there is always hope !

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Never lose hope Avril. My thoughts are with you that your next pregnancy brings a sweet baby into your arms.

      A

  4. Amy M says:

    Hi Amy,

    I cannot tell you how much discovering your blog means to me. I literally have never publically posted anything of this personal nature on the internet, but I felt compelled to say “thank you.” How fortuitous that you recently posted…

    It took me a while to find my husband, so I got a late start on trying to have a baby. As a result, I feel like time is running out. My cycles are irregular, and I have very low progesterone (0.4 ng/mL), so my OB/GYN gave me Clomid. Yesterday, I had my second chemical pregnancy in a row. I was devastated. I felt so hopeless.

    So, in that state, I took to the internet, and that’s when I discovered your blog. I’m so glad that something worked for you. Thank you for sharing your experience. I also really appreciate all of the details you included. I don’t have a background in medicine (and no one in my family does either), so it is a very daunting prospect for me to figure out “why.” The study you posted about time of implantation and the rates of pregnancy loss hit home for me. For both of my pregnancies, I did not get a positive pregnancy test result until 17 days after the positive OPK test. I’m not sure how to fix that.

    My pregnancies last for only a day each, so I feel like it could be a problem with my lining. Because I lost this baby on a weekend, I haven’t been able to speak to my doctor yet. But, thanks to your blog, I will have some talking points to discuss with him. I did find that there’s a SIRM clinic a little over two hours from my house.

    I feel so scared and alone and overwhelmed. But, your blog helped with that. I still have those feelings, but seeing the pictures of your children also put a tiny flicker of hope in the mix too. I hope that something will work for me as well. So, thank you!

    -Amy

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Amy,

      I’m so sorry for your losses. I also found it very interesting about timing of implantation and losses. All of my late implanters m/c and my early ones stuck. I wish I knew how to “fix” it as well, there is no fix that I know, but it’s interesting for sure. Have you had any testing done yet? Your OB can run a recurrent loss panel for you for a first peek about what may be wrong. If you don’t get any answers with that then it’s good that SIRM isn’t too far and possibly worth contacting. Please keep us posted and I hope that your next pregnancy is successful!

      A(my) 🙂

      • Amy M says:

        Hi Amy,

        I hope that you are well. I wanted to let you know that I finally have my rainbow baby! I started seeing an RE the week after I last posted. We tried a few more Clomid cycles and an IUI cycle before moving on to IVF. We did PGS because of my previous losses. It turned out that two-third of my embryos that made it to Day 5 blasts were not genetically viable. We transferred two in March 2015. Unfortunately, I miscarried again. Then, I had an endometrial scratch procedure and a lot of acupuncture and transferred my last two babies in August of last year. My little girl was born in May. Throughout my journey, I often thought back to your post when you said, “It’s worth it. Every single f’ing tear.” When I would get discouraged, I would remind myself “it’s worth it.” But, it took being on the other side to fully understand the truth in those words. Now that I have her, it is like . . . my God, IT IS WORTH IT! Thank you again for sharing your journey, your hope and your ever-so-truthful words. I hope that your story continues to encourage others to keep fighting.

        My Best,
        Amy

        I hope you get this message since I’m replying to a pretty-old post!

      • rowanthefrog says:

        Amy M.,

        Congrats on your perfect baby girl. Amazing how looking at that sweet face brings it all home. I’m glad it was worth all the tears….it is, every damn day. 🙂 So happy for you and thank you for sharing your success!

        A

  5. Charlene says:

    I wanted to say thank you for sharing your journey. As I sit here at work reading your blog, pretending to work while holding back tears, it has helped me in so many ways. To help me cope, to help me know that I’m not in this alone, to help me know I’m not the only one with these thoughts, to help me with, “there is/will be a happy ending”. So, thank you, thank you so much! Congratulations on your beautiful, perfect, family!

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Charlene,

      You brought tears to my eyes as well by saying “happy ending.” I really have achieved my happy ending with much blood, sweat and tears to get there. I’m so glad that my words are helping you and my thoughts are with you. Big hugs.

      A

  6. Lindsay says:

    Wow! I just came across your blog and it seems like exactly the same thing I have been going through(minus 2 healthy beautiful sons!). With Andrew my only son I got pregnant right away and had no issues. It was a month after his first bday that I started the miscarriage nightmare. The first 2 early miscarriages actually went to 9 and 8 weeks and then progressively after that I just kept having chemical pregnancies. All of the testing my OB did have come back negative, hubby and I are both healthy.
    Like you I think I have a thin lining problem, which I tried Chinese herbs and acupuncture. But the first month we ttc, again a CP. I am very in tune to my body as well so I know as soon as I’m pregnant or not. Would you be able to tell me the exact regimen of medications that you used to have your children and do you think that Dr. Lessey would prescribe it for patients he hasn’t seen like me? I’m just do desperate for anything and after reading this I won’t be taking the Clomid my obgyn prescribed. I had been taking the progesterone 3 days after ovulation but that doesn’t seen to be helping. Did I read that you took it twice a day? Any comments or suggestions would be great!! Thanks for all the great info you have provided and I’m so happy for you and ur family! This does give me hope when I have been hopeless for a while now. Thanks again!!

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Lindsay,

      I’m so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. It is so devastating each time. The protocol that worked for me twice is detailed here. I worked with Dr. Lessey by phone initially so he may be willing to work with you, I’m not sure. He’s in Greenville, SC. You may also want to consider seeing a local Reproductive Endocrinologist and see if they can help.

      Please keep us posted!

      A

  7. Lynn R. says:

    Congratulations on Baby James! It has been so long since I have checked in on you. I gave birth to my son, Sean, on February 6! He came 10 days early and is just beautiful as can be, and most importantly healthy. Amy, You have given myself and thousands of woman so much hope and knowledge. I was determined after my the loss of my twin daughters at 24 weeks and 6 other miscarriages, not to give up. Holding Sean in my arms and my 6 year old, Colin, make it worth all the effort to find out why certain things happen. I took charge of my own self and body. I made sure I found doctors who would listen to me and I did. I hope you will post an occasional picture and update. A million thanks to you!
    Lots of Love, Lynn R.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Lynn,

      Congrats on the birth of baby Sean!! I would love to see a picture, I’ll shoot you an email. I’m so glad that you found help here and it just makes my heart sing to know that you are finally holding your sweet baby. Congrats a million times over!

      A

  8. Lynn R. says:

    I also wanted to write how beautiful all 3 of the boys are. Congratulations, again! ~Lynn

  9. Susan says:

    I just stumbled on this blog after experiencing my 3rd early miscarriage in 6 months (they’ve been at 4w6d, 5w3d, and 8w5d, respectively). We are trying for baby #2. Your story gives me hope. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Susan,

      I’m so sorry to hear about your losses and I’m glad you are finding useful information and hope here. I hope your next pregnancy brings a sweet baby into your arms.

      Keep us posted,

      A

  10. ac80 says:

    This blog was very informative. I had a CP the first month of trying, then got pregnant with my son the next month. We started trying for #2 back in September with no luck until February. Sadly, that also ended as a CP (just shy of the 6 week mark). I was just happy to have finally gotten pregnant and assumed (like you did) that maybe my body, for some reason, needed that cp before the real thing. Next month, pregnant! Only to start bleeding around 16dpo. Ugh. We took the following month off and I had all of the RPL blood work done- everything was normal. The RE suspected it to be hormonal because I have many of the symptoms of PCOS (except I ovulate regularly and my ovaries look pretty good). I’m now on metformin to see if that helps.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Ac80,

      I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m glad to see you are under the care of an RE and have gotten preliminary testing done. I know several people who took Metformin and it helped so I hope that it helps you as well. Please keep us posted!

      A

  11. Erin says:

    Thank you so much for writing about your experiences on this blog. I just found your blog today while I’m going through my third chemical pregnancy in a row while trying to have a second child. You have given me hope that things can get better. Thank you again! Erin 🙂

    • rowanthefrog says:

      You’re welcome Erin. I’m so sorry for your losses and thank you for posting. I hope your next pregnancy brings a baby into your arms.

      A

  12. Monica says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and for your encouraging words. I’m going through a cp right now at only 4.5 weeks. This is my first, and I wouldn’t have been so…hopeless… if it’s not for the fact that this was also my very first pregnancy after 5.5 years of trying. Let’s just say that in those years there have been countless dashed hopes, doctor visits, humiliating and sometimes painful tests, IUI, hormone supplements, disappointments and awkard moments, not to mention a pretty significant amount of money (in my country we don’t have state health insurance, and private insurance doesn’t cover infertility issues). To suddenly fell pregnant naturally felt almost too good to be real, and to have the joy snatched away not even 24 hours later was…heart-breaking.
    Having said all that, I truly found comfort in your words. The tests here are not so advanced, but everything seems ok for me and my husband. Good hormone levels, great uterus, clear tubes, thick lining, natural ovulation, really abundant number of healthy sperms, etc. So we are basically stumped. But at least now I managed to get pregnant I hope the next one won’t take as long, and I will start taking progesterone supplement after ovulation (because my lining is always nice and thick before). Do you think I should take estrogen supp.too? FYI I got implantation bleeding at 6DPO and tested positive at 12 DPO, went to my OB the day after and given progesterone 5mg to be taken twice daily. Bleeding started like a couple hours after that despite taking the pills faithfully, plus 400mg progesterone capsule vaginally for the last 3 days.
    Thanks again for sharing, you have beautiful boys and I hope I will too soon!

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Monica,

      I can only imagine how hopeless it must feel after all you have been through to get pregnant. I hope that this failed pregnancy is like a switch that turns on your ability to get pregnant and that your next pregnancy brings a baby into your arms. Please keep us posted.

      A

  13. Tami says:

    Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I mean, really, THANK YOU! I finally feel understood and am no longer feeling alone in this journey. Congratulations on your beautiful family!

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Tami,

      You’re welcome and I’m glad my blog has been helpful to you. Best of luck as you build your family. Keep us posted.

      A

  14. Amanda says:

    Amy,

    Thank you. I’ve never read a blog “cover-to-cover” like a book before, but as I was sitting here trying to think of what I’m going to tell the doctor when I call and tell him tomorrow that I’m currently experiencing my second chemical pregnancy this year, that I happened upon your blog. I wasn’t even sure I was going to call the doctor tomorrow, rather I planned to tuck tail and hope for the best next time vowing to call if it happened again, but I have a different plan after reading your experiences. I’m still just as confused as I was a couple hours ago when I started reading, but I at least have an idea, or a general sense of direction on where I need to go now. I stil feel helpless, but less so. Your successes bring me happiness and if my husband weren’t snoozing peacefully I’d share that with him, but instead I’ll let the grizzly sleep. Rather I’ll let you know that you’ve helped us today and for that I’m greatly appreciative.

    Thank you,
    Amanda.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Amanda,

      Thank you, your kind words mean a lot to me. I’m glad you found some help and inspiration here. I hope that your meeting with your doctor went well and that you are on your way to a successful pregnancy. Please keep us posted.

      A

  15. Amy says:

    Thank you for taking the time to blog about your experiences. It gives women with multiple early losses hope, hope that someday it will all work out.
    I have suffered from one missed miscarriage at 11weeks and 2 early ( chemical pregnancies ) losses at 6.5 and 5.1 weeks. I am currently pregnant again ( tested today at 12 dpo), but my betas are only 27… So I do not have a lot of hope 😦
    I have talked to my RE ( who I have been seeing for two years +) and she has put me on the femera ( not this current pregnancy though) 5mg protocol and one injection ( not the 2). I have asked for the second injection and they said that they put patients on progesterone instead. I have asked multiple times about giving me estrogen, since my lining is always hovering around 7.. Sometimes a little more and sometimes a little less, but never reaching 8. How did you get dr.lessey to put you on the estrogen? My RE says that it keeps you from ovulating. Obviously that was not the case with you. Did you do it yourself, as in not his recommendation? If so, who prescribed it, or can you g estrogen online or something?
    I am very worried that this is turning I not my 4th loss, and I do not think that I can bear another. I have been trying 3and a half years for my first child.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Amy,

      I don’t know why I just saw this but I apologize for the late response. Dr. Lessey would not put me on it either, but my dad did. He told me to stop taking it around day 13 of my cycle and then I took an HCG shot to push ovulation. I hope that helps and hope that by now you are in a better place.

      A

  16. Hope says:

    Dear A,

    I have been following your blog since a year ago. I stay in Singapore. When I read your blog, I was so filled with hope that I gathered my courage to go for a spectrum of tests by finding a loss specialist within my country. You were very nice and told me to stay in touch. My results came back bad but I did not update you because you were pregnant then and I did not want to bombard you with negative news. From the bottom of my heart, I am so happy for you that you have fought a good fight and won. I too, wonder when it would be my turn. I have since started a blog too to share my feelings, journey because I was so inspired by yours. All the bad emotions that are pent up, not every can understand. I thank God for blogs.

    http://babymakingfromhope.blogspot.sg/2014/06/tips-for-getting-pregnant-fast.html#comment-form

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Hope,

      I’m so sorry I just saw this comment! I don’t know what happened. I just checked in on your blog and I see that you still have not had the success that you long for and deserve. I’m so sorry and thinking about you. It’s so funny because we just decided to travel to Vietnam for our 10 yr anniversary and were going to connect through Singapore (I’ve never been) but we are going through Seoul now. I really hope your turn is soon. Please update us when you can, good or bad. Hugs.

      A

  17. Rie says:

    I am actually on a business trip right, sitting on the bed reading your blog and you blessed me with your story. I am going through a CP as we speak, and I feel very sad, sadder then expected. I am not sure what my doctor has planned for me, I will however be better prepared to speak to him after reading about your story. I feel very uncertain, and discouraged, but I will work hard and be positive, and approach this with a renewed sense of hope because of you. Thank you…

  18. I have just stumbled upon your blog and am SO hoping to connect with you. We lost a pregnancy in February due to trisomy & have been actively ttc since. I’ve always worried about a compromised lining and up until my back to back chemicals, no one would pay any attention to me.
    Would you be willing to connect with me offline? I’m desperate for ideas & have already passed on your blog to my OB. I would be ever so grateful… and if nothing else, the confidence you’ve given me to not take NO for an answer is priceless.

  19. Jessie JJ says:

    I’m desperately hoping to connect with you offline – we have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old & lost my second pregnancy in February due to trisomy. We’ve been actively TTC ever since & two back to back chemical pregnancies are making me dig deeper into the WHY.

    Would love to pick your wonderful brain – am so eager to get answers & would love your help framing questions for my (hopefully soon) referral to an RE.

  20. Joleen says:

    I would be interested in being a guest writer for your blog. We have been trying to have a second child for 26 months and I have had 5 miscarriages, with four of them being chemicals. I feel like I have been through the ringer with testing and drug protocols.

  21. cpksheri says:

    Hi there, I am having the same problem with thin lining. Do you mind if I ask what doses of estrogen & progesterone you took & what days of your cycle you took them on. I would like to take this information to my dr & see if she is willing to let me try it.

    I am so happy that you were able to overcome everything & have your beautiful children! 🙂

    Sheri

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Hi Sheri,

      I took 4mg of Estrogen/Estradiol from days 9-13 and I took a variety of progesterone supplements….200 mg orally (prometrium), sometimes I put it vaginally. I also did injectible progesterone when I was pregnant with my 2nd son, from 4 weeks-11 weeks because of spotting. I don’t remember the dosage. When I was pregnant with my third son I used Crinone cream, but again I don’t remember the dosage, I’m sorry! The estrogen will be the key to building a thicker lining though. I hope that helps.

      A

  22. EmilyK says:

    Hello – I don’t know if you still check this, but here goes…
    I am currently waiting on my 3rd MC. I Mc’d in April – saw the heart beat at 8 weeks and then no heartbeat at 10 weeks and I had to have a D&C – baby didn’t grow past 9 weeks. 2nd MC in August went in with bleeding at 8 weeks and saw a fading heartbeat – only measured 5 weeks – mc’d naturally that night and now am pregnant again with super slow rising HC levels (56 to 80(48 hours) to 140(4 days later). I am waiting to hear from Dr to schedule an ultra sound. After the 2nd MC the Dr. prescribed Metformin (glucose is mild pre diabetes) a baby asprin once a day and progesterone suppositories every 12 hours. I have a very closely monitored thyroid since I have an autoimmune disease called Hoshimotos. I immediately up my dosage when i get a positive pregnancy test and It has stayed stable throughout all the pregnancies.
    My husband and I had a whole slew of tests run following the second MC hence the Metformin I take now. Everything else came back normal except the Cardiolipin IgM which was “borderline” at 12. Can you tell me from all your research if this is related to the Killer Cells you discussed? My DR at Kaiser is starting to talk IVF and I am nervous it wouldn’t be worth it if my body is just going to fail again anyway. My HCG levels never seem to rise correctly.
    Also to note – I have a beautiful 4 year old Son. He is a miracle child born prematurely at 27 and 4 weighing 2lb 6oz. Today he’s perfect without any health issues. I know I am blessed but wonder if the bleeding that started at 24 weeks with him could somehow all be related to the fact I cannot seem to carry another pregnancy?
    Thank you for your blog – I have been reading it all day. I am so happy for you. It all turned out OK in the end 🙂
    Emily~

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Hi Emily,

      Yes, I still read comments regularly though I don’t always respond quickly. I’m sorry to hear what you have been through. I have one friend that I know of who has Hashimoto’s. IgM is not related to NK cells as far as I know..Cardiolipins are a different issue and I honestly can’t remember which ones affect things and which ones don’t. I also have Kaiser. With the many issues you are presenting I would highly recommend that you get into the hands of a skilled RE. Your first 2 m/c were not chemical pregnancies and so there may be other issues, that if addressed, can get you past that point. I’m glad you found good information and hope here. It still amazes me that people find my blog and read it. My youngest is almost 10 months now…it was all worth it. Please keep us posted on your progress.

      A

  23. NYCTripper says:

    7 miscarriages here…3 cp in a row in this past year, including right now. I have a 5yo and 3yo. Been trying for a year to have another. AMA as well. Very similar story. Your story is encouraging. Not much else is. Grateful that there are other women out there who understand.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      I’m so sorry for your losses and I’m glad that you found some hope on my blog. Please update us when you can on your journey.

      A

  24. Jenna says:

    Hi there , I’m not sure if you still check this blog but I am going through something awfully similar! Would love any additional insight. Just read your blog over the last hour and thank you for having it out there!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s