Not the update I was hoping to give you

I’ve always had this strange ability to know what is going on with my body.  I know that I’m pregnant long before I get a positive pregnancy test.  And I’ve had a bad feeling about this pregnancy from the start.  I was hoping the bad feeling was because of my history.  But it seems I was right.  Went in for my appointment.  The office decided to make it my “new OB” appointment, so I had to fill out all the new paperwork, talked about screenings, told me to avoid soft cheeses, etc.  None of this sat well with me.  I wanted to find out if this was a viable pregnancy before we went through all that.

Finally it was time for the ultrasound.  As soon as the screen came up I knew it was all wrong.  The sac was there and there was a huge circle in the middle of it, taking up most of the sac.  It didn’t look like a baby.  There was no flicker.  She turned on the sound to try to listen for a heartbeat, but we didn’t hear anything.

She said the sac measured 6 weeks and the yolk sac was very enlarged, which generally was an indicator of a chromosomal issue.  She said by this point there should be a heartbeat.  That combined with the enlarged yolk sac added up to no good.

They gave me the option of waiting to miscarry naturally, taking cytotec or a D&C.  I went ahead and got the cytotec, so now I’m at home waiting for it to end.

On the whole I guess I’m doing ok.  I’m more angry than anything else.  It just doesn’t seem fair to be experiencing miscarriage #5.  My husband said that he thinks that the article that I posted here awhile back certainly seems to be the case for us.  Super fertile women’s bodies let any old embryo attach, not just the good ones.  https://recurrentearlymiscarriage.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/interesting-development-regarding-women-who-are-super-fertile-and-recurrent-miscarriages/  Lucky us.

However, I’m also trying very hard to focus on the fact that I have my two, amazing, healthy sons.  That does help.  I’m not feeling nearly as devastated as I have felt with my past losses.  Maybe because this pregnancy seemed almost like a bonus.  

I don’t know if we will get pregnant again.  We probably will, but right now I just need to get through the next few days and then we’ll see what we are up for.

I know I don’t need to apologize to you guys, but I really wish I had good news for you all.  I know a lot of you were hoping for a good outcome for me to give you hope.  I’m so so sorry that I cannot provide that hope to you today.  

But I HAVE had success after recurrent chemical pregnancies…my second son Elliott is proof of that, so if you need some good news (because this post is quite the downer) then read this instead.  I know I’m going to be snuggling them close to give me hope as well.

https://recurrentearlymiscarriage.wordpress.com/my-success-after-recurrent-chemical-pregnancies/

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26 thoughts on “Not the update I was hoping to give you

  1. Littlebird says:

    So sorry to hear your news. Brings it all back for me. I totally know that feeling of going in for an appt and just “knowing” that something is wrong but still having so much hope that your instincts are incorrect. Take care of yourself- sending lots of hugs.

  2. Elaine says:

    I’m so sorry. I discovered your blog quite a while ago but this is the first time I’ve contacted you. I’m feel terrible that you have to go through this again. I really hoped along with you that this time would be ok. Your story is like an echo of mine and it has helped me a lot knowing someone else out there is fighting this condition too. I had my eighth miscarriage last week and made it to 6 weeks – the last four have ended around the five week mark. I too have two beautiful children that I am incredibly thankful for but would love just one more to complete our family. I also identified strongly with the superfertile article as I too conceive every time we try, unfortunately the pregnancies start to fade away within a matter of days really. I know how hard it is picking yourself up and trying again when you’ve had so many bad outcomes but for me what helps is that i feel a soul is trying their best to come through and join our family and that keeps me going. I feel like my baby is fighting from their end and i’ll keep fighting from mine until we can finally meet. I will be thinking of you over the next few days and I hope you’re coping as well as you can. X

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Elaine,

      Thank you for commenting and I’m so sorry to hear all you have been through. It just seems unreal, doesn’t it? It does help to know we are not alone, but it sure is a shitty club to be a part of. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I hope that your take home baby is in your arms soon as well.

      A

  3. E.H. says:

    I’m so sorry… as you know, many of us have been there. I know that YOU know that it WILL happen, but I know that doesn’t take care of the pain and hurt you’re feeling now. We’re all thinking of you and are here for you… xoxo

  4. Shannon says:

    I’m so sorry. I know you had a bad feeling, but I was really thinking good thoughts about this one. I’ll be thinking of you, hang in there.

  5. adreann says:

    I am so sorry. I promised I would keep reading and I can assure you that I was rooting for you and that little peanut! Your words alone have truly resonated and have given me hope that I have a chance to have a wee one of my own – thank you. I told my fertility doctor here in the UK about your story and he did extra tests and a scan for good measure (re: the thickness of my lining), without your story I wouldn’t have been able to ask for a further investigation, I mean we ARE paying boatloads for my healthcare in a country that allegedly ‘treats everyone for free’. 🙂 My point is that your recent news doesn’t deter my hope for the future, you should never feel apologetic – I still have hope for you (and me!) I am so terribly sad for you because I know the hurt you feel right now, BUT your successes, your two little men who are living proof that this condition can be overcome, give me more hope than you will ever know. And, though I don’t know you personally, I just know that you will keep fighting and it will happen. My doctor looked me straight in the eyes last Thursday and said ‘I need you to fight for this.’ So, I will say the same to you – fight for this. And please keep writing so I don’t feel so alone across the pond. I’d offer to put the kettle on for a cup of tea and a biscuit, as that seems to be the answer to all of life’s challenges over here, but that in itself might prove challenging. 🙂 Sending an e-hug instead.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Thank you for your words of encouragement Adreann, and I’m happy that my story is bringing you hope, direction and the will to fight. We will both continue to fight and we will both have babies in our arms. I’m glad your doctor is onboard and helping you find out what is going on. Please keep us posted.

      A

  6. P says:

    My heart is broken for you! It sucks… I do hope that this is your last loss and that your family gets completed soon. I too have had another loss recently – 5 early miscarriages (CPs) in 2012 (Yes the number has gone up to 5; last time I wrote here it was either 2 or 3!). I have seen numerous doctors and will under go a very interesting “Yale Endometrial Function Test“ http://info.med.yale.edu/obgyn/kliman/infertility/dx/diagwelcome.html. It sounds as if this new test will look specifically on my uterus lining from different aspects. I am in Canada and is going to cost me 500 CAD to do this test (it is much cheaper if you one is in US) but my current immunologist infertility specialist thinks that it is worth it considering the number of losses I have gone through. Maybe worth something to look into? Anyway, wish you and your family all the best and hope to read your blogs in near future.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Peggy,

      I’m so sorry to hear that your losses have continued. I hope that this test brings you some answers. I will look into it as well. Thank you for sharing the information with me and my readers. Let me know what they find out and what the course of action is.

      Amy

  7. jessica says:

    Reading thru your blog has been a godsend for me, I started with the older entries and just got to this one. I’m so terribly sorry!

    When I read the article about being super fertile, it totally clicked with me. I just quit taking the pill in June, and had a chemical pregnancy in September even though my husband wasn’t even in town the week I ovulated. I’ve been using opks the last two cycles to try not to since I was told to wait three months, but somehow still got pregnant last month even though we did the deed days before I got the opk+ and waited more days after it went back to negative. As I’m typing now I am positive I’m having another cp. I know that eggs can start to disintegrate quickly after they are released and had started to wonder if I was catching an egg too long after it had been released and it had no business getting fertilized. Or if the guys had been hanging out too long and had no business fertilizing anything. I get ov cramps, I just used opk’ as confirmation, so I’m sure there was no way we were dancing near what should be my most fertile days. I literally called myself super fertile yesterday because I shouldn’t even be in this condition when I felt this pregnancy slipping.

    The good news is it seems like I landed at a good ob. I guess I sounded knowledgeable enough after discussing my first cp with her that she already told me she would do testing if I had two miscarriages. I’m so very sorry reading about everything you have been through, but thank you. thank you so much for sharing. I’m getting a late start ttc #1 at 35 years old. With your help I’m going to be armed with the right questions when I talk to my doctor tomorrow, or Tuesday if they need to compare new hcg to the betas some on Friday. I’ve been unable to sleep tonight feeling hopeless, like I’d waited too long. You have given me new hope. Bless you, and I hope you are doing ok.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Jessica,

      I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. I’m glad to hear that your OB is being proactive and I hope that you can find some answers and get successfully pregnant soon. I’m also glad that you have found some useful information here. Please keep me posted on your progress.

      A

  8. T.Casey says:

    Stay strong! Although I experienced 12 miscarriages, mostly chemical, I have 4 beautiful children. I’m in the throws of a chemical pregnancy after recenting transferring final embryo. It still hurts but I am happy I finished what I started. It’s always been an egg/embryo quality issue for me. Keep plugging along, it can be done!

  9. Mary says:

    Wow! This is totally true for me.. Get pregnant every single time we try… And always thought I was super fertile.. My mom is too, has five kids, one ectopic, but prior to early testing she probably had tons of chemical pregnancies. I have just had two, after having two children prior began thinking what is Wrong with me.. Now I understand. I think I am just going to let it go and only test if I am really late into my next cycle. I have yet to start bleeding for this one, but know my betas dropped already.. And as much as I would Iike a misdiagnosed miscarriage, have known from the get go it wasn’t sticking! So I am going to try straight away (focusing More on spending time with DH), and hopefully back away from any testing until its been at least a week or two late… Even thinking about waiting until I am eight weeks along before going to see doctor.. Maybe just do some temping in the morning Iike in the good old days before hpts 🙂

    • rowanthefrog says:

      I’m sorry to hear what you are going through Mary. I often contemplate doing the same thing, waiting to test, but I always know I’m pregnant even without testing, so I like to know what is going on. I wish I could do what you are planning though! I hope you are successfully pregnant very soon!

      A

  10. Meghan McGuire says:

    Thank you for sharing your experiences so honestly and concisely. So very sorry for your loss. I am currently cramping through m/c number five, though I’ve also had two healthy pregnancies resulting in two beautiful little girls. Today is Thanksgiving and while I am bummed at my body, I am grateful for the abundance God has graced us with. I will bookmark your blog!

    • rowanthefrog says:

      I’m so sorry to hear of your losses. Its such a horrible nightmare and the holidays make it worse. We were planning on telling our families we were pregnant at THanksgiving, but we aren’t. I’m also focusing on the wonderful miracles that my boys are. I will be thinking of you and hope your next pregnancy is successful.

      A

      • Meghan M. says:

        Thank you so much for the good thoughts! I also can totally relate to somehow ‘knowing’ when the pregnancy is healthy. With my first, I had not one doubt and poof – beautiful baby! Then, a blighted ovum at 6 wks followed a chromosomal abnormality / missed miscarriage at 10 weeks in pregnancies two and three. That third baby had a heartbeat. I was soooooooo sad. One month later, I got pregnant again and it was like she was reassuring me the whole time. Amazing. She made it!

  11. Ksenia says:

    Hey! I just got my bfp. I am terrified to see what happens after two loses… I haven’t tell anyone, but I thought I’d share with you.. With you boys, how did you know that those ones would stick? Or did you know?

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Ksenia,

      I will offer you a heartfelt and cautious congratulations! I know you aren’t ready to be excited and I completely get that. Sending you boatloads of sticky dust, I hope this one works out for you!!! You know, I go over this in my head over and over. The primary thing both of my successful pregnancies have in common is that I got early BFPs with both of them (7-9DPO). With all my losses, I got later BFPs. I have known people to get a BFP as late as 16DPO and it be a successful pregnancy, but for me, if its after 10DPO then I lose it. I also had super strong betas with both of them, saw a sac and a tiny baby/yolk sac at 4/5 weeks and a heartbeat by early 6 weeks. This last loss had decent betas but the progress past the beta stage wasn’t good from the start.

      I had a very good feeling about my pregnancy with Ethan from the start. Elliott I was scared but hopeful and all the early signs were good.

      The waiting at the beginning is the toughest…..I test and test and test and stare at those lines. But this last loss had a nice classic line progression and good betas and I still lost it.

      So I don’t know, I’m afraid I’m not being as encouraging as I would like to be….its just a tough place to be….hopeful, but you don’t want to get TOO hopeful. Just hang in there and please keep me posted. And a little tiny congrats from me 🙂

      A

      • Ksenia says:

        Hey! I have no idea which dpo I was… We were not actually trying this time. I just felt weird and tested more as a joke.

        Thank you so much for your response. It made me feel better.

        I started taking baby aspirin and didn’t stop vitex…

        This morning my wondfo didn’t get darker… In a few minutes I will test with FRER… But I feel like it’s over this time.. I wanna die, honestly… I know it is silly to say it, but that is the only feeling I have when I think that my third baby didn’t make it… I also have barely any symptoms…

        Got blood drown, so tomorrow I will know beta. Hopefully, it’s hight and there is still a chance. But it’s unlikely, judging by how faint my test was this morning..

        Sorry for the rant, I am just so sad. And thank you for your comments!

      • rowanthefrog says:

        Try not to despair yet. In the beginning the lines won’t change in darkness very much. Even if your beta is going up well, the difference in darkness may be minimal and difficult to see. A better indicator will be comparing tomorrow’s test to yesterday’s. Hang in there.

  12. Ksenia says:

    Thank you again! Well, my FRER got darker, and beta came back at 60, wich is very good I guess. Trying to stay hopeful. Every message you send makes me feel better, thank you for that.

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