Anxiety

I just cannot shake this anxious feeling that I’m being lulled into a false sense of security.  I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Every day I test again, expecting to see my lines get lighter.  And they don’t.  Which is a good thing, I know, but it isn’t sitting well with me.  It has never worked out for me the first time.  I just don’t trust this.  I can’t seem to get my head around it.  Isn’t that sad? That this is what multiple losses will do to you? Take what should be a happy and exciting time and turn it into something that seems sinister.  I just feel like as soon as I relax and get excited about this, it will be taken away from me.  

I know what a long road I have to travel….even if this isn’t another chemical pregnancy, we still have to see a heartbeat, baby has to grow, not have any abnormalities, so many other hurdles.  I’ve been through it all before with my sons, so I know my body can do it.  However (and this may sound strange) before it was after a loss or other losses, so I felt like it was due to me in some way.  I know it doesn’t make sense.  This was too….easy.  

I keep thinking about the article that I posted not too long ago about how the bodies of super-fertile women let any embryo attach, not just the good ones.  So what if this isn’t a good one but my body is letting it grow anyway? 

I just wish I could be happy that I’m pregnant and that all signs point to it not being a chemical pregnancy. But I can’t yet.  I’m still scared.  I’m getting another beta draw in the morning.  If the numbers are above 200 then that will be my last one.  My OB told me to make an appointment at 6 weeks to look for a heartbeat, so I set that appointment for 10/29.  Maybe after I see that I will relax a little.

Thanks for listening.

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8 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. Littlebird says:

    Good luck tomorrow and try not to worry about the super-fertile thing too much (easy for me to say now, although I’m sure I will be just as worried if I ever make it past 5 weeks again!!) . I was on some boards the other day with people who have had multiple mc and managed to have a normal pregnancy (and kid)- even without any kind of DR intervention in some cases. They just kept trying and eventually it worked…

    Anyways, I have to wait for my biopsy since my Dr is away this month and it’s actually kind of a relief that we can’t try again for a couple of months…well, it’s a mixed relief since I am now 40 and the time is really ticking so any months delay is not good and worries about issues are more magnified too. Keep us posted and hang in there!!

  2. Littlebird says:

    Hey

    I just realized you had posted that other article about DR Brosens’ study a long time ago…guess I didn’t need to repost after all. Good luck!

  3. Dylansmom says:

    Hi, I have read your blog several times in the last year or so. A few months ago I had my 4th chemical pregnancy. I have an almost 4 year old son who was conceived the first month we tried and I had a very healthy pregnancy with him. I’ve only had a few test done (thyroid, some antibody test, and progesterone). My progesterone with my 3rd chemical was at 30 on 12 dpo, so I was hopeful, but it didn’t stick. I make it to about 5 weeks every time and then I start bleeding. I would have more testing done, but the insurance plan we have this year doesn’t even cover blood testing. We can’t afford the cost of all the tests, so I was just wondering if you have heard of women who go on to have successful pregnancies after this many chemicals without medical intervention? Also, if there were any basic tests that I could do, what would you recommend doing first? Thanks for listening and congratulations on your pregnancy!

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Shannon,

      Thank you for commenting and I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. Its baffling and devastating to have to go through it over and over again. Do you have the option to change insurance for next year? If so I would recommend it so that you can get at least the lab testing covered. The Recurrent Pregnancy Loss panel would be the best place to start. Its hard for me to recommend one test over another because you just don’t know what the problem could be. The RPL panel includes:
      Antiphospholipids antibodies (you might have already had this)
      Anticardiolipid antibodies (you might have already had this)
      Lupus anticoagulant
      Parental karyotyping
      Thyroid (you already had this one)
      The Natural Killer cell Assay is not included in the RPL panel but its also something you may want to consider. Also having an endometrial biopsy and HSG. All of these things can get expensive though, which is why I suggest changing insurance plans for 2013 if possible. If you know you want to pursue the testing, it may be worth paying into a more expensive plan to get better coverage.

      As to your question about women who have had successful pg without medical intervention….the answer is yes. I was actually just emailed today by a reader of mine who I was in contact with about 18 months ago. She emailed me to tell me she was 28 weeks along and it was a total surprise, no medical intervention necessary. Indeed, if my current pregnancy works out (and things are looking good right now), then this will also be a successful pregnancy without any medical intervention. I was not on any meds or following any protocol when I got pregnant and things are looking good for me so far. I have also had several friends and even family members who struggled for years with infertility, requiring multiple IVFs to get pregnant and then found themselves “oopsie” pregnant with a second or third child. I’m sure there are many more success stories, but those are a few that I can think of off the top of my head.

      Point being, our bodies are mysterious things. We are lucky to live in a time when there ARE tests and solutions for women who have trouble getting pregnant or staying pregnant. But I think the doctors have just scratched the surface of all the crazy things that have to go RIGHT for the miracle of life (and I mean miracle) to actually happen. I doubt they will ever know it all.

      I think what you have going for you is that you have had a healthy pregnancy. I clung to that fact when I was trying to have my second child. I knew my body COULD do it. Even after I went through all the testing (and paying for a good bit of it out of pocket) they never really found anything wrong with me, other than my thin lining. I don’t know if the meds I took were the key to getting pregnant with my second (though it worked, so that’s good) or if it would have worked out anyway.

      If you can change your insurance and wait just 1.5 months until you have better coverage, then you can get some testing done and hopefully get some answers. In the meantime, perhaps try taking some baby aspirin and extra folic acid. Talk to your doctor about the amounts though. I’m not a doctor!!!

      Best of luck and keep us posted.

      A

      • Shannon says:

        Wow, thank you so much for the in depth response! I don’t think it’s possible to get a different plan, as we are at the mercy of my husband’s company and what plan they decide on for the whole company. I am planning on seeing a different doctor in January just to get another opinion about my “issue.” I haven’t seen an RE just because insurance definitely will not cover anything involving a fertility doctor. Thank you for the success stories, those always help. I’ve wondered if mine could be a lining issue since my periods are the lightest they’ve been my whole life. I wouldn’t say they’re super light, but I only have 1 or 2 medium flow days and the rest is very light. I know that could very well not be my issue, but I’m sure it’s worth looking into. Thanks again for the response! It helps a lot to talk to someone who has been through it.

      • rowanthefrog says:

        Your OB can easily check your lining and also run the recurrent pregnancy loss panel on you. Sometimes companies offer different options so you can choose the best plan for you, but it sounds like your husband’s company doesn’t do that. Another possibility would be to look into a secondary insurance plan for yourself. Or if you have a flexible spending account, stock it up for next year so if you pay the costs out of pocket then you can get reimbursed and at least you are paying for it pre-tax.

        Lining issue is a good possibility if you are having light periods and again, your OB can check that at CD9 of your cycle. The solution to that is a very simple one, simply taking 5mg (I think, I’d have to go back and look, but its in the blog) of estradiol, vaginally, twice a day. Its very cheap and will plump up your lining nicely. If you have a thin lining, there is nothing for the embryo to attach to.

        Hope this helps and keep us posted.

        A

  4. Ksenia says:

    It is so familiar, that I got tear reading your entry. I will never have relaxed and happy pregnancy, at least not a first trimester… What did I do that I do not deserve a normal pregnancy? Why is it so unfair? I cannot stop thinking about how it would have been if my first pregnancy stayed… I would just be happily pregnant… Every day I think of what week I would have been by now, and how things would have been. Then I think about the second one… It is just unfair.

    But I think once I do get a baby, I would feel so blessed and love him/her so much!

    Sorry for this rambling..

  5. edith kajumba says:

    i need to get in touch with dr lesser because i have not had very good answers

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