I just cannot shake this anxious feeling that I’m being lulled into a false sense of security. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every day I test again, expecting to see my lines get lighter. And they don’t. Which is a good thing, I know, but it isn’t sitting well with me. It has never worked out for me the first time. I just don’t trust this. I can’t seem to get my head around it. Isn’t that sad? That this is what multiple losses will do to you? Take what should be a happy and exciting time and turn it into something that seems sinister. I just feel like as soon as I relax and get excited about this, it will be taken away from me.
I know what a long road I have to travel….even if this isn’t another chemical pregnancy, we still have to see a heartbeat, baby has to grow, not have any abnormalities, so many other hurdles. I’ve been through it all before with my sons, so I know my body can do it. However (and this may sound strange) before it was after a loss or other losses, so I felt like it was due to me in some way. I know it doesn’t make sense. This was too….easy.
I keep thinking about the article that I posted not too long ago about how the bodies of super-fertile women let any embryo attach, not just the good ones. So what if this isn’t a good one but my body is letting it grow anyway?
I just wish I could be happy that I’m pregnant and that all signs point to it not being a chemical pregnancy. But I can’t yet. I’m still scared. I’m getting another beta draw in the morning. If the numbers are above 200 then that will be my last one. My OB told me to make an appointment at 6 weeks to look for a heartbeat, so I set that appointment for 10/29. Maybe after I see that I will relax a little.
Thanks for listening.