First of all, I have been amazed by all the comments I receive on this blog, almost daily it seems. It makes me so sad in some ways to know how many other women are experiencing what I experienced, and yet knowing that putting my story out there is helping or giving hope to so many of you….it feels rewarding in a way. I appreciate you sharing your stories with me. I’m always happy to offer a listening ear, advice or answer questions. I remember how much I wanted to talk to someone about this and yet it seemed like no one else really understood. Well I do….so please keep sharing your stories with me.
There has been an interesting development in our lives. When we had our older son, there was no question that we wanted a second. And we went through a lot to get my little Elliott, and he was worth every bit of it. But then we had to decide if we wanted a third child. Honestly, there has been a lot of discussion about it. My husband has had many good reasons why we should stop at 2….and yet, I just don’t feel done. I don’t feel like we are complete. The other evening, my husband surprised me by saying that if we were going to have a third child, he’d rather that we did it sooner rather than later. While I had some reservations about having our kids so close together (I really like the 3 yr age difference between our boys), I wanted to respect his opinions (plus, he was finally saying YES!)
So, just 3 months after it was put in, the doctor removed my IUD this week. We will be waiting 3-6 months before we start trying. I truly feel like my IUD was at least a contributing factor to all my chemical pregnancies. Primarily because it thins out your lining and after all the testing I went through, the only thing they could find was that I had really thin uterine lining, pre-ovulation. I was very hesitant to put the IUD back in, but since I was (and am still) breastfeeding, my only birth control option was the mini-pill and I was TERRIBLE about taking it at the same time every day. I knew I would end up with an accidental pregnancy and personally I prefer to have more control over when I get pregnant than risk that, so I got an IUD in February, thinking it would be in for a year or so before we started trying. Well, 4 months later it is out again.
I must say I am electrified and excited about the thought of being pregnant and having another baby. But I am also TERRIFIED about having to go through all of THAT again. Hopeful that maybe I won’t have to, but how do you know??
I did contact Dr. Bruce Lessey in Greenville, SC again. He was the RE that put me on the medicinal protocol that resulted in my successful pregnancy with Elliott and he is going to prescribe those meds to me again when we are ready. So that makes me feel better. But I’m scared. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to go to that place again. I was so devastated, so obsessed, so consumed. I think those feelings were normal, but it was just such an insanely difficult time. But, my Elliott was worth it. If I have to go through it again to get another I will. So far my odds of a successful pregnancy are 1 in 3. I’ve had 6 pregnancies and I have 2 kids to show for it. But I DO have 2 amazing little boys…and they are my hope and inspiration. I feel, I HOPE that if I have more losses that somehow it won’t be quite as devastating because I know it will work out for me.
And I know it will work out for you too…..you HAVE to keep hoping and trying. After my first loss, I wondered if I would ever hold MY baby, if something was wrong with me. Then I had my Ethan and those fears were temporarily put to rest. But they we went for #2 and after my fourth loss I began to despair, but then I got my Elliott.
You will get your baby too…..I have known many women, online and in person, who have been through this madness and with time, each of them has eventually had a baby. Even after 10+ losses. You will too. And so will I. Never give up. I didn’t and my boys are amazing and I can’t wait to meet my third baby who is just a figment of my imagination now, but I WILL hold that baby.
If you are reading this, it will be ok….