Not the results I was hoping for

I got the rest of my labwork back yesterday and unfortunately it seems I have hit yet another dead end.  My Reproductive Immunophenotype and Natural Killer assay came back within the normal range, which means that NK cells are not the culprit for my miscarriages.  I suppose I should be happy that there is nothing “wrong” with me, but really I’m pretty upset about the whole thing.  You see, if we could figure out what was wrong, then we could do something to fix it.  Since nothing is really wrong then I’m left with several options which I’m not particularly crazy about.

At this point, it would seem that:

  1. I’ve been on the crappy end of statistically unlucky far too many times.
  2. It is indeed genetic issues despite DH and my normal karyotype results
  3. Still a lining issue
  4. Or some combination of the above.

There really isn’t any more testing to be done.  We’ve exhausted all options.  So now we have to decide what to do.  Here are the options, none of which are looking very attractive to me at this juncture.

  1. Do nothing different.  Try naturally and hope that things work out.  This would be the “easiest” route physically, but emotionally this is by far the most stressful option for me.
  2. Try doing injectible fertility meds to thicken my lining and produce a stronger ovulation.  I am not a good candidate for Clomid given my lining issues in the past.  There is an increased chance of multiples going this route. (20% chance of twins, 5% chance of triplets.)  And of course our insurance doesn’t cover any of these medications so there would be some out of pocket cost.
  3. Do a full IVF cycle with pregenetic determination.  If we start operating on the assumption that the m/c have been caused by genetic issues (even though its impossible to determine that for sure, since I lose them too early to have anything to test) then this would be the best solution.  They would test each embryo to make sure it was genetically sound before putting them back in.  This option is, of course, EXTREMELY expensive and I’m not convinced it is genetic issues.  I don’t want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to just miscarry again.  I can do that for free on my own.
  4. Call it a day and pursue adoption.  Maybe we can start to try again in a few years if I am up for it.  Or just adopt our 3rd child and be happy with our family in whatever way it comes to us.

I really don’t know what to do.  I feel like I can handle another couple of losses, so to that end I suspect we will try naturally or try an injectibles cycle and see what happens.  If I lose a few more then we will think about IVF or adoption, but I know I lean towards skipping IVF altogether and just adopting.  At least we will know for sure that we will have a child at the end of that process.  With our pending move to Atlanta this summer we will most likely wait until we get settled into our new home before we start doing all of this.  There is just a lot going on now.  Its hard though.

We have now been trying to get pregnant for longer than it took for us to get successfully pregnant with Ethan.  If my first pregnancy after Ethan had worked out I would be well into my 3rd trimester by now.  If the 2nd or 3rd ones had worked out I would be in my 2nd trimester.  Instead, I’m not pregnant at all, not even close.  And it seems that every week someone new is telling me that they are pregnant.  I’m not lying when I say that THREE people told me they were pregnant yesterday.  Don’t get me wrong, I am VERY excited for you.  I truly am.  But I fear that I am not able to be the person I want to be for my friends, especially those who are pregnant for the first time.  I want to be able to just BE giddy and excited and not feel like I have to pull it out of the depths of my heart.  I want to not be afraid that they might have to join my horrible club.  I want to ooh and aah over little tiny baby clothes and talk about names and feel little kicks and admire cute bumps without feeling ridiculously sad that I don’t get to do it with you.  I hate feeling this way.  I hate it.  I hate being this person and I hate what all this crap has done to me.


6 thoughts on “Not the results I was hoping for

  1. melissa says:

    I could have written the emotional part of this post myself- I am so sorry you are going through this. Lets talk when both of us are ready- Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

  2. Sarah says:

    You have taken the words right out of my mouth. I hate this and I feel so stuck. Thank you for your blog. It is nice to know that Im not alone…

  3. Mimi says:

    I’ve had 5 chemical pregnancies in the last 4 years and I’ve since felt a hole in my heart that no one can see or understand. I ran into your blog while googling chemical pregnancy and I am SO glad I did. I’m still catching up on all your posts but as I got to this one I couldn’t help but stop and let you know HOW MUCH it’s helping to know that there IS someone out there who knows/understands exactly how I feel… all the fears, frustrations, heartbreak..all of it. The last ten lines of your post… I recently went to a baby shower where 90% of the ladies were either pregnant or had a baby in the last year or so.. I came home extremely depressed and this is EXACTLY how I felt. I AM happy for them but if I said it to anyone else it would sound like something I’m just saying to not feel guilty about being jealous. Sigh. I apologize for this painfully long message but I just wanted to tell you how helpful your posts are to me at this point and I’m sure to a lot of women going through what I am and you went through. Seeing you with your beautiful kids gives me hope.

    • rowanthefrog says:


      I’m so sorry for what you have gone through and I’m glad my words and thoughts have helped give you understanding and peace. Please update us on your progress when you can.


  4. I am going through something similar. But my issue is thyroid antibodies which is an auto immune issue. I’m happy to see you have had success 🙂

  5. Mariposa says:

    I know the feeling. My friend and I got pg the first time together…now whenever I see her baby pictures I think that I could have had a baby that age. And every cousin and friend is announcing their first, second, even third…fifth even! Ugh! I want to be so happy for them, and I don’t want to feel like I’m getting cut every time. I’m so happy to identify with someone on this. I read your posts and see you’re (like mine) scientific approach t all this. What I’ve learned and tried to accept by now is that it is like waiting for something miraculous to happen and having faith…but I need my definitive evidence darnit!

    Im also looking into adoption.

    I can’t wait to read on!

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