What is crazy anyway?

You know, this has been going around and around in my head recently and I haven’t really been able to get it out, so I thought I would leave it here.  CRAZY. As in, “aren’t you just driving yourself crazy with this?”  “Why don’t you just try to relax?”  “Don’t test until your period is a week late,” “Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again.”  “Well at least you have Ethan.”  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  I realize that when people say these things to me they are either trying to make me feel better or are speaking out of complete ignorance.  And so let me address these statements, let you know why these are not helpful or supportive things to say, and give you some alternatives.

  • “Aren’t you just driving yourself crazy with this?” – This one just kills me.  Yes.  Yes I’m driving myself crazy.  Clearly.  And I’m doing it on purpose, because I really and truly enjoy having to learn about everything on my own, having to hunt down information, having to see doctor after doctor and drive all over the state of New Jersey, get my blood drawn, have invasive medical procedures, spend hours talking to insurance companies, spend money we don’t have with only the promise of having to spend more…..all to be told that I am crazy. Look, no one else is going to do it.  No one else cares as much as I do about trying to have a healthy pregnancy.  And really, if you took 5 minutes and put yourself in my shoes, I think you would understand where I am coming from.  After 5 pregnancies and only one baby, I have to believe something is wrong, and I am determined to find out how to fix it.  Exactly what is the magic number of miscarriages that would allow someone to take control of their situation and try to make it better?  A more helpful comment would be: “wow, I’m sorry you have to go through all that.”
  • “Why don’t you just try to relax?”  No, why don’t YOU try to relax.  When you have had 1, no 2, no 3, no FOUR miscarriages then if you think I should try to relax then you can tell me that.  Until then, you just have no idea.  A more appropriate response would be, “That just sucks, I’m so sorry.”
  • “Don’t take a pregnancy test until your period is a week late” – I mean, really? Is sticking your head in the sand an option.  Hypothetically speaking, if I had NOT tested and didn’t know that I was pregnant before having all these losses then I would believe that A) I was having fertility problems, and have NO idea what they were and B) I would have no idea that there was actually a problem going on.  So that just isn’t exactly a plausible solution now is it?  On top of that, because my body is weird I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m pregnant up to a week BEFORE I get a positive pregnancy test.  Ask my husband.  Ask my friends.  They will tell you, I’ve never been wrong.  I don’t even need to take a test to know I’m pregnant.  So that’s not going to work.  An alternative to this – there really isn’t one.  I’m going to take a test when my period is late…and most likely before.
  • “Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again” – Actually this is exactly what I’m worried about.  Getting pregnant again, and losing another one, and another one after that.  Most people think that pregnancy is this magical, happy state: growing your child inside of you.  Hell, I was one of those people when I was pregnant with my son.  But after 4 losses I equate pregnancy with anxiety, terror, stress.  The mere thought of getting pregnant right now frightens me so much I can barely talk when I think about it.  First I have to get past the very beginning, when I lose all of my pregnancies.  And assuming I make it past that, then I have to see a heartbeat, get through the 1st trimester without losing the pregnancy for another reason, pass all the scans to make sure its a healthy baby, and then make it through 2nd and 3rd trimester and the birth before I can ever “not worry.”  A better response would be: “You don’t deserve that, I’m so sorry.”
  • “Well, at least you have Ethan” – this is the one I hear the most.  And I know it comes out of a place of comfort and its true….at least I DO have Ethan.  I am thankful every single minute for him.  I know there are some women out there who have been through what I have, but don’t yet have a child to show for it.  My heart truly breaks for those women.  If I didn’t have him I probably would have headed off the deep end by now.  BUT – I wanted these other babies.  Desperately.  I saw that second line and I started thinking, “boy or girl? Will it look like Ethan or more like me or more like James? What will life be like with 2? Will it act the same as Ethan or different?”  And the dreams continued on and on….until I learned that that baby was never going to exist anywhere except for in my head.  I am SO thankful for Ethan, don’t get me wrong.  But he is not the ones that I lost, and he lost brothers and sisters as I lost those babies too.  A better response would be “I’m sorry for your losses.”

If you have said any of these things to me, I am not trying to make you feel bad, or rebuke you or anything like that.  I will readily admit that before I went through all this, I said some of these things to loved ones in my life who were struggling with infertility and/or miscarriages.  And I am so deeply sorry for not understanding, but I wasn’t capable of understanding then, and unfortunately I am now.  It’s ok to ask me how things are going if you want to know the answer.  It’s also ok to tell me that you aren’t sure what to say or you aren’t comfortable talking about it.  I respect that.  Sometimes there just isn’t much to say.  It sucks and its a horrible situation.  That’s just that.  And until I am actually holding a healthy baby in my arms I am going to continue to be “crazy” about this stuff.  That’s just how it is.

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18 thoughts on “What is crazy anyway?

  1. Diana Hernden says:

    I cannot begin to tell you what a comfort it has been reading your blog. My husband and I have been through one ectopic and now (as of today) two chemical pregnancies in less than a year. All of our friends have had children in the past 2 years, some multiple, and none with any complications or losses. I love my friends but if I hear one more of them tell me “don’t worry, it’ll happen” or “just relax and let it happen” I am going to go off the deep end. Hearing “it’s going to be ok” from someone who has never experienced losing a pregnancy (let alone multiple) is about as reassuring as a poke in the eye. I looked at the protocol that you posted, and will talk to my doc today about the HcG injections. He put me on Femara starting last month because I was not ovulating properly, and my US showed a large dominant follicle and thick endometrium. My day 21 progesterone was 36, so that was good, but for whatever reason the fertilized egg is having issues staying implanted. So whatever I can do to help, I’m up for! I’m also concerned that my job is affecting my ability to stay pregnant (I am a firefighter), but there is not much I can do about that.
    Again, thank you for giving me something helpful to read, and congrats to you and your beautiful family. It is nice to hear “don’t lose hope” from someone who has actually been there.
    ~Diana Hernden

    • rowanthefrog says:

      I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I hope your provider is willing to work with you and try some HCG injections to see what is going on. Good luck and please keep me posted on your progress.
      A

  2. Hadley says:

    I love this post. My mother just told me to wait until 3 weeks or a month after my period is due to test. What??! She didn’t even “try” for either of her pregnancies so she’s just in another world… and everyone tells me to “just relax” and not test so early – but if I didn’t, I would just be thinking I couldn’t get pregnant, instead of knowing that I actually get pregnant really easily – just can’t hold onto it. Thanks so much for this blog. It’s a sanity saver.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Its maddening, isn’t it? You know they mean well, but its like they are blaming YOU for testing too early. LIke NOT knowing is somehow better. I’m sorry she said that, I heard it many times as well.

  3. apcitygirl@yahoo.com says:

    You have NO IDEA how happy I was to read this part of your blog!!!!!! I laughed and cried at the same time. Every word your wrote is so true. My situation is so similar to yours. I had two miscarriages before my daughter and just went through yet another chemical pregnancy trying to have number two. My magic number is at 3 right now…and I think I am finally going to get my doctor to take me seriously. Here is another question I hate more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD and it makes me want to claw the persons eyes out especially when they know you had trouble with your first child. So when is number 2 coming? Are you trying yet? And asking regulary….WHY DON’T YOU JUST STINK YOUR FINGER IN MY WOUND AND SWIRL IT AROUND JERK!!! I want to ask them so badly ARE YOU STUPID????? AWWW…. SO sorry that was a total vent

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Vent away my friend…..this was obviously my vent at the time and I remember those feelings so clearly. I really hope that your doctor is willing to work with you and help you get successfully pregnant. Its infuriating what people say to you out of ignorance or just not knowing what to say.

      Please keep me posted on your progress.

      A

  4. adreann says:

    thank you for this blog. thank you. I ‘found’ you because baby 3 didn’t make it. And when I woke yesterday to a negative test I knew. By late last night it was over. oh the things we take for granted. dying inside right now. and wonder if my MTHFR mutation, PAI-1 polymorphism, low APC resistance, cardiolipin antibodies, thyroid function abnormalities and NK cells 3x what they should be WILL EVER allow for a sweet little angel to grow in my tummy. its like WWIII in there! never ever in a million years thought this would be happening. trying to remain calm. And because I’m in the UK I’m trying to forgive this health care system that hasn’t helped me because I didn’t meet their protocols – Now that I’ve lost number three they may actually decide to help us, as this was the reason why we’ve paid so much of our money for private care, they would not help us because I had only had two miscarriages. Yep, you read right, they would not help me with any investigations due to the fact I had not yet lost 3 babies. I guess because I’m American I just don’t understand.
    In any case, turns out I can make a baby but I just can’t keep it. Knowing this, though, does not take away the pain. Will keep reading as I am sending love and growth vibes to you and hoping you will be snuggling your little baby in 9 months. Best wishes!

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Adreann,

      I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through and how the UK system is working against you. I can’t believe they wouldn’t do anything for you when you know you have so many abnormalities. That is just tragic. I’m so so sorry. I’m not that familiar with the UK system, but I hope that now they will give you the treatments you need to have a healthy pregnancy. Please keep us posted on your progress.

      A

      • Melissa says:

        It amazing how your blog describes my exact feelings. I have had 3 miscarrages (2 this year) and feel pretty sure I’m about to be on my fourth. I had a bfp monday but have been spotting and dont feel any stmptoms. Hcg came back today at 350 so I have to get it done again. This is all too familiar. In may i had a missed misscarriage at 12 weeks but it only measured 7 my d&c pathology confirmed chromosome issue (tripliody) but the other two were too early to know. I’ve had all the testing I can with no issues except mthfr which no doctors seem to take seriously if my homeocystine levels are fine. The doctors keep saying probably chromosomes and bad luck. I just have to keep trying. How much bad luck can one person have. I have never been successful. Are all my eggs bad? My fsh and amh were normal. My family says I’m obsessed and negative. And all those other horrible things about relaxing and dont test so early. I’m terrified I may never have my own children. I never thought this could happen. I have alway been regular and healthy. I feel guilty for putting my family on this emotional roller coaster. Don’t get me wrong they are supportive and just don’t know what to say. I have started secluding myself from friends and family with kids (which is almost everyone) because it is too painful to be around them. I have been taking progestrone even though my tests can back normal and I seem to get pregnant easy when I take but it always ends in miscarrage. The doctor thinks its allowing bad eggs to stay around longer then normal. I just want them to find something so I might have hope. Thank you for your blog it has been very helpful.

      • rowanthefrog says:

        Melissa,

        I’m so sorry to hear what you have gone through. I will say, betas of 350 if you just found out on Monday seems like a pretty good number! Spotting , while scary, can be very normal as can lack of symptoms. However, we know that its the doubling that counts, so I hope you see a nice high number when you get your next draw done. I’m glad you have found some useful information on my blog. Please keep us posted on your journey.

        A

  5. Jennifer says:

    I want to thank you SO much for this blog. I’ve had a whirlwind week, with an at home test saying I was pregnant to a test at the doctors office saying I wasn’t and a blood test confirming I was pregnant. All in 36 hours! Then, I began spotting and then bleeding and cramping. I found out in less than 96 hours I had a chemical pregnancy. You basically wrote above exactly how I have been feeling. I have a 10 year old daughter. I’ve always wanted another baby, so when I found out last week I was finally pregnant I had so many dreams and thoughts run through my head. But immediately I knew something was not right. My fiancé tried to calm me down an he kept telling me I was not helping anything by being so anxious. But it was uncontrollable. I will be bookmarking this blog and will come back to it to make myself feel better about how I an feeling. It’s still so fresh since we just confirmed yesterday what I already knew. But reading others stories makes me feel less alone. You never understand until you’ve been through it. I am sorry you’ve dealt with this multiple times. You are very strong.

    • rowanthefrog says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Whether its your first or your fifth, whether you are pregnant for 2 days or 2 months…miscarriage is always tough because not only are you going through the physical loss, but the loss of the dream of your baby, your family, your new life. Its impossible not to start thinking about that the moment you get a positive test. I hope that your next pregnancy brings a sweet baby into your arms. hugs!

      A

  6. tabitha says:

    I to have had 4 miscarriages have been to the re all the blood work and everything they haven’t been able to find anything I am pretty much in the try again and good luck stage. I’m so sorry for what u have been thru

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Tabitha,

      I’m so sorry that you are going through this.It is such a nightmare. Did you see this post? It might be worth discussing with your RE if they are out of ideas. It has worked successfully twice now for me. Please keep us posted!

      A

  7. Ana says:

    I realize this is an old blog. It came up on my google search but so far you are me writing this word for word . I have had 6 pregnancies with one living child in the past 3.5 yrs. last 3 have been near back to back chemicals , curious to keep reading

    • rowanthefrog says:

      Hi Ana,

      Yes, it is an old blog but I still keep an eye and reply. I’m so sorry for your losses and I completely understand what you are going through. I hope you find some good information here.

      A

  8. Jen says:

    Thank you for this. This is my third miscarriage in 7 months, but my first chemical, that I know of. First one was at 6 weeks and the second was a mmc at 9 weeks, baby measured 8. I was referred to fertility clinic after the second one, but that was 3 months ago (February) and when i hadn’t heard anything I was told I won’t get an appointment until some time between July and December. That’s a long time to wait. I feel the time ticking away, I’m almost 35, that magic age. I thouht the last one was due to the fact that I have no thyroid due to Cancer 10 years ago, and my doctor said he didn’t need to check my levels until later (I’ve since seen an endocrinologist who said she’d check me as soon as I had a confirmed pregnancy)but this one happened at 4 weeks exactly so I don’t think that would be a factor yet. This is all so frustrating and navigating the medical system is terrible. Here in Canada you need a referral for everything and though the free health care is amazing (I’ve had a few ER visits in the last few months, can’t imagine having to pay for it), having to wait for referrals is frustrating. I live in a city with almost a million people and we only have one fertility clinic. I feel like I’m toxic to babies and that my body is letting me down. Anyways, thanks for letting me rant. It helps.

  9. missy says:

    Thank you for sharing your story… I’ve had 9 chemical pregnancies (like you I get pregnant the next cycle EASILY) but the doctors over here (UK) aren’t helping because I’m only 20, because I only get to 5 weeks max and only faint lines on pregnancy tests I’ve lost all my friends because they think I’ve lied about my losses… I thought I was crazy and I was alone because no one I’ve ever spoken too has gone through this many chemicals! Everyone I tell say “wow that’s a lot are you sure?”, “Oh really?”, ” chemicals aren’t really pregnancies so no you haven’t lost anything”, “you’ve never been pregnant everyone knows you lie about it and use that as a cover”. I shown my best friend my faint positive 3 weeks ago and she said ” thats not positive its to faint youll come on again soon this always happens to you”… its horrible.. But I’m not crazy and I’m have lost pregnancies because I’m not the only one fighting this 😦 thank you for this hope that I will have a baby!

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