Hello and an apology!

3sons

Hello my dear readers, I’m not sure how long it’s been since I have posted. My life is a delicious craziness…my 3 rainbow babies, who aren’t babies anymore, are now 8, 5 and 2.5. I spend my days picking up, dropping off, taking to activities, working my self-owned business, kissing them, wiping noses, wiping tears, helping with homework, and somewhere in there I try to find an iota of time for myself and my husband. It’s nearly constant chaos, but when I feel overwhelmed with my day to day I like to come back here, to this place, to where it all started. Sometimes I re-read my own posts, but usually I read your comments. I don’t have time to reply to all of them anymore and I’m sorry for that, but I am reading them, even if its a month or 6 months later. I love that some of you come back to share your successes and I love that you help each other…perhaps you can jump in where I left off.

The most recurrent question that I see is how did I solve this horrible sadness? I detail my full protocol here. Take it to your doctor, ask if they are willing to give it a try. The best thing was that it was easy, non-invasive and inexpensive. Of course I can’t guarantee that it will work for you, but it worked for me both times I tried it, so 100% success rate for me! Better odds than I had without it, that’s for sure.

I’m glad I am still bringing you hope, information, maybe a few answers. This blog is a safe place for me too, a place to come back and visit when sometimes I need a reminder why I run at 100mph all day long. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. My boys are amazing human beings and I love them to the core of my bones. The journey you are on is worth it. Stay the course. You are stronger than you know. Big hugs to each of you!

A

jamesamy

 

 

Saying hi!

It’s been so long since I have posted. What really can I say? My last miracle turned 2 this month….TWO! He’s not really a baby anymore but he’s still my baby and I love him to pieces. He doesn’t slow down long enough for me to get a non-blurry picture of him. He’s obsessed with fans, air conditioners and balls, mostly basketballs, but any will do in a pinch.

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My second miracle is 4.5 going on 15. He LOVES his little brother (almost too much) but plays so well with his big brother (when he lets him.) He is introspective, smart, and diligent. Give that boy a puzzle and he puts it together like lightning. I know we are supposed to think our kids are the smartest ever, but this one really is!! 😉 20160108_092410

And then my first miracle, who I didn’t even realize how miraculous he was at the time….he is missing his two front teeth. He voraciously reads Harry Potter. He is NOT a little kid, he is small in stature but makes up for it in personality. He is my lovebug. He snuggles with me every chance he gets. He is learning French and has an impeccable accent. He is every bit the “momma’s boy” I was promised when I found out our first child was a boy.

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I lost 5….but these three are MINE. They were worth the pain, the waiting, the shots, the failures, the tears, the heartbreak, the invasive procedues…all of it. They are worth it.

My husband had a vasectomy on our 11 year anniversary. Our family is complete. We found our solution. Our pain is long past. Yours will be too. Keep fighting, keep researching…DO NOT GIVE UP. Your sweet family awaits you on way or another!

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Awareness day….

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As a younger woman you are told “be careful, don’t get pregnant!” So you try to be responsible and take birth control for so many years until you meet THE ONE. Then you get married, and you decide to wait a little while before starting your family and then it’s time….and it takes a little time and then you are pregnant! Your entire world rocks and shift…excitement, a tiny bit of fear, dreams for the future develop in days or weeks, and then you find out that no….it’s gone, justlikethat. All of it. Just…gone.

So you buck up and try again…and this one brings the most perfect baby boy ever into your arms!!! And you love him with every part of your being and then you want to have another, a sibling…and you get pregnant, and lose the baby, and get pregnant again, and lose that one too. And just when you think you can’t handle anything more, you get pregnant again and lose that one too. You break….you are broken into 10 million little pieces. But your 2 year old keeps you together, you keep that tiny iota of hope. You find the right doctor with the right solution after months and months of searching…and you find another perfect baby in your arms. A miracle, a true miracle.

And then you think, I have more love, I want one more, how hard could it be? And you get pregnant again so fast, and it lasts longer than the others but still it’s gone. You blame yourself for hoping you can be like all the rest….but you go back to your miracle worker doctor and 9 months later your 2nd miracle is in your arms. My 3 boys that I love more than I ever could have thought possible would NOT EXIST if I hadn’t lost 5 of their siblings. It’s this bizarre parallel universe where the worst thing ever results in the best thing ever.

I barely kept my sanity through all of this, but the little I kept was beause of my Strong Mommas….an unlikely group of women, across the country who all lost babies around the time I lost my baby before Ethan. 8 years later we are still going strong. So as we celebrate 8 years of friendship we also remember why we are together. And I share my story to let those of you who may be going through the same horrible rollercoaster that there WILL be a happy ending. Don’t give up, don’t stop fighting for what you want most. If your doctor isn’t helping you then find another! If you are here I know you are going through this and so my heart is with you.

My miracle is 1!

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I know some of you are just finding my blog and I know many of you just check in every once in awhile. I don’t have much to report, my life is crazy, my boys are wonderful and energetic. Three kids is a bit of a three ring circus but I wouldn’t have it any other way. My sweet Andrew turned 1 in January. It was, easily, the fastest year of my life. His little personality is starting to develop and its amazing to watch him turn into a little person. I’m enjoying getting to know this new little man in my life. My 3.5 year old, Elliott is amazing with him. I can’t wait until he gets to be a bit older and all three of them are thick as thieves. My 6.5 year old is smart, funny, and sweet. My heart is full.

Speaking of Elliott – here’s my other miracle that was chronicled so extensively on this blog…

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What a funny guy he has become…almost 4 now and quite the imp. They say he looks more like me and I don’t mind it at all.

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It still blows my mind sometimes that there were five lost to get these three sweet faces calling my name every day…..that had any of those worked out I wouldn’t have these amazing little men in my life.  But that was my journey and this is my family at the end of that journey. I’ve been having a bit of a hard time saying goodbye to the baby stage. I’m clinging hard to my last baby but he’s rapidly headed towards toddlerhood and I can’t do a thing to stop it other than snuggle him when he will slow down long enough to let me. But I also am excited about the next phase, three children, three boys in all their glory.

My family is complete and I’m grateful to be at this point, and grateful to all of you who read through and helped me in my darkest times. If you are here now then things probably seem pretty bleak…but there is an ending, a happy ending, and a beginning too. Hang in there. Don’t give up hope. You will get there, I promise.

A

chemical pregnancy

I was reading and replying to the most recent comments on my blog and I came across this meme. So no one gets worried, I’m not pregnant, planning on getting pregnant, or having another chemical pregnancy. But this is exactly how I felt when I was. I’ll post an update on my family soon. But for now I wanted to let you know that I am listening to all of you and I remember how it feels to be where you are.

Everyday miracles

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I’ve wanted to update here but I haven’t been sure if I should…I know the bitterness that comes with having one miscarriage or 5. I will never turn this blog into a mommy blog, but I feel like every story needs an ending and the part of my life that is focused on building my family…and all the pitfalls that I encountered while doing it, is done. My family is complete. There is a certain sadness in knowing that TODAY is the last day I will ever hold or snuggle my 3 month and 3 day old son…but for me there is an even bigger relief in knowing that I don’t have to go through the crazy worry and panic of being pregnant again. I get another IUD in next week. It will remain in place the full 5 years. My husband has decided that he will get a vasectomy next March. We are done. And I am content with that decision. They say you know, and I know.

I’m not sure what will happen with this blog at this point, but I would like to invite guest bloggers to contact me. If you would like to share your story, there is regular group of readers that will read your story and gain hope from it. When I started this blog 4+ years ago, it was simply a resource for me to keep track of my tests, thoughts, etc. I never realized so many people would read and comment! I will always respond to your comments. I’m still honored that so many women around the world have found this and found hope and ideas here. 

Every once in awhile I start back from the beginning and retrace my steps….starting from a desperation point after my fourth miscarriage, before my second son was born. Now I have 3 beautiful boys in my life (4 if you count my husband, and, he’s pretty darn cute too!) It’s been a crazy, terrifying, stressful, but ultimately rewarding ride. That’s my ultimate point and what this blog turned out to be in the end…for you, for me…HOPE. Don’t give up. I know how desperate you feel. I know the hopelessness that comes with each bad blood test, appointment, etc. But…when you go to the doctor and see that heartbeat…when you feel your baby move…when you finally hold that baby in your arms. It’s all worth it. Every. Single. Fucking. Tear. Pardon my language…but seriously. It’s worth it. DO NOT GIVE UP. 

Love, hope and hugs to each of you…..

Amy, Andrew, Ethan, Elliott and James

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Baby Andrew is here!

My wonderful readers, I am so happy to introduce you to my third miracle, Andrew!

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He was born early Wednesday morning and I’m so happy that I was able to have another VBAC and this time I went epidural free. He weighed 7 lbs 11oz and was 20 and 1/4 inches. We are quite in love with him!

He is proof that there can be success at the end of the long and winding road of pregnancy loss. In fact, all 3 of sons are.

Thanks to each of you who have been with me on my journey and know that I will continue to support you through yours!